Sunday, February 27, 2011

Image of a Failure

I've been in this place so many times. And everytime it gets me no where. Let me give a little history lesson before hand. My husband and I moved to our area just a little less than a year ago. Only because he lost his previous job and this was the only place he could find work. He hates his job. Everything about it. We make a quarter of what he used to make. We are considered "poverty" level in income, I recieve wic, we have no insurance. But, we get by as best we can. When we moved here, I knew no one. I still no one. I can't get a job because we can't afford any of the daycares in the area, and if I did work, I would basically strictly be working to pay for the daycare. Defeats the purpose, right? So here we are: we have each other, but neither are happy. He works 6 days a week for little to nothing and I care for a baby with no other adult interraction. It gets lonely. It gets frustrating. I find my comfort, my solace, my friend in food. I used to go to "shop-therapy" to pass time and aleviate stress or anger issues. I cannot do this anymore. So what do I do this week....after having done (what I feel) was wonderfully for some time get angry earlier this week....frustrated, upset and head straight to a fast food joint to order fried chicken tenders and fries. Oh and a sweet tea with that please.

I would say I could go work out at the gym to relieve some of the issues. Well, again, baby. Until hubby is home from work I cannot do that. And I can't simply get mad and yell and scream. It would seem as if I am taking it out on my little man, and at the least expose him to that anger. I can't just spend my days on the computer typing and telling everyone how I am feeling. And so yes I know: an excuse is just an excuse is just an excuse. There is no excuse for it. I blew it and then decided, hell. I've already messed up now, why not continue through the weekend. There is always Monday to start again. Many Mondays have come like that. Many have gone. How many will it take for me to finally say I have had enough and just deal with being fat or I've had enough and I am not going to allow another slip like that.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am being sucked into a black hole and there is no coming back out. So, here is my it is for the world to see that I did not tweak the plan. I failed at it altogether. Another day, another option.


  1. Oh... I totally get where you are. Except for a few details, I could have written this post. I take care of my little one.. on my own, with very little adult contact. My hubby works sometimes 7 days a week. Our income has dropped, and is in for another drop in the next month or two. I also "eat" my stress.

    I so wish I could give you some advice... the only thing I can say is look at that little baby every time you want to eat something off plan. Know that you are getting healthier for that little one. And he deserves it. That sometimes works for me.

    You can email me anytime. I work from home, so I check my emails regularly. jellybellybegone at yahoo dot ca.

    ((HUGS)) Make Sunday your day to get back on track.. forget Monday!

  2. Hey girl, get back up on that wagon. Ok, you don't have money or time to yourself. I totally get that. Use what you do have. Time, lots of it. Take your little man and go for long walks. If the weather is crappy (like it is here), find a mall or somewhere inside where you can pop him in a stroller and walk, walk, walk.
    Focus on what you CAN do, and do it!