Image of a Failure

I've been in this place so many times. And everytime it gets me no where. Let me give a little history lesson before hand. My husband and I moved to our area just a little less than a year ago. Only because he lost his previous job and this was the only place he could find work. He hates his job. Everything about it. We make a quarter of what he used to make. We are considered "poverty" level in income, I recieve wic, we have no insurance. But, we get by as best we can. When we moved here, I knew no one. I still no one. I can't get a job because we can't afford any of the daycares in the area, and if I did work, I would basically strictly be working to pay for the daycare. Defeats the purpose, right? So here we are: we have each other, but neither are happy. He works 6 days a week for little to nothing and I care for a baby with no other adult interraction. It gets lonely. It gets frustrating. I find my comfort, my solace, my friend in food. I used to go to "shop-therapy" to pass time and aleviate stress or anger issues. I cannot do this anymore. So what do I do this week....after having done (what I feel) was wonderfully for some time now...is get angry earlier this week....frustrated, upset and head straight to a fast food joint to order fried chicken tenders and fries. Oh and a sweet tea with that please.

I would say I could go work out at the gym to relieve some of the issues. Well, again, baby. Until hubby is home from work I cannot do that. And I can't simply get mad and yell and scream. It would seem as if I am taking it out on my little man, and at the least expose him to that anger. I can't just spend my days on the computer typing and telling everyone how I am feeling. And so yes I know: an excuse is just an excuse is just an excuse. There is no excuse for it. I blew it and then decided, hell. I've already messed up now, why not continue through the weekend. There is always Monday to start again. Many Mondays have come like that. Many have gone. How many will it take for me to finally say I have had enough and just deal with being fat or I've had enough and I am not going to allow another slip like that.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am being sucked into a black hole and there is no coming back out. So, here is my post....here it is for the world to see that I did not tweak the plan. I failed at it altogether. Another day, another option.

A Great Start To A Great Week!

I feel good today. So much better than I have over the weekend. I woke up at 8:30 this morning and was up and at 'em. Fixed myself some breakfast after feeding my kiddo, got dressed and such and hit the road to take care of some things today. Had to take hubby lunch because we didn't have anything for him to take today. After that I went grocery shopping to restock my house up another week.

My sniffles have mostly stopped and all the thick mucousy crap in my sinuses is drying up. It's 79 degrees and mostly sunny. Spending the day out and about in the beautiful weather is so uplifting to my spirits and physically feeling better has me in such a positive mood that I excited again for the week. I may not have had much of a loss this week (and somehow because I am always late, keep managing to appear as if I have dropped out on the lists Allan make!) but the next weigh in....I am looking forward to very much.

We went out yesterday to check out a park for some nature trails and such but much to our disappointment, they had done a controlled burn recently so there was nothing more to see than burnt woods. So, we furthered our drive a bit and went down to the beach. I am a person who loves very little in this world much more than beach life. It is always a relaxing experience to me. The weather was about 68 at the beach (81 here at our house) but the sun was bright so it was perfect weather for strolling the powder soft sand barefoot and kicking around in the crystal clear water. We only spent an hour or so there, but it was just enough to change what started off as a bad day into a wonderful one.

I have made plans with some family for us all to go next Sunday, early on in the day, and spend the day there. So, Sunday is a BIG BIG day for me as I know I will be having a great weigh in AND spending the day in one of my favorite places.

Day 12

I really want some salmon. Blackened salmon, roasted asparagus and bell peppers, salad, and iced tea. That is what sounds good to me RIGHT NOW!

It is warm here today....beautifully sunny, 72 degrees, slight breeze in the air. It has been this way most of this week. The beach is callllllling to me. We live within 30 minutes and on weekends hubby and I like to go down and wade knee deep and search for shells, sea glass, and drift wood. It has become much more of a challenge having the kiddo because we have to carry him, make sure it isn't too cool or drafty on him, make sure there isn't too much sun out which would burn him, etc etc.

I am daydreaming today of how tomorrow would be perfect for browsing the beach and then coming home and firing up the grill for some grilled goodies. But.....BUT!!!! Hubby has to work late tonight, work tomorrow, and I am sick. BLAH!

Update, Shitty Week

This has been a hell of a week. Yesterday was our first day home from the hospital. My 9 month old had been vomitting, had diarhea, and a fever of 104.2 when we left Sunday to take him to the emergency room. We got to the hospital and there didn't seem to be that many people there. We went through triage who assessed him, and apparently they are the people who determine a number from 1 to 5, 1 being the biggest priorty, 5 being the least. They assigned him as a 4 and gave him some tylenol....something I had already been doing for two days, because the fever and all started on Saturday. When it spiked so high was when I decided it was time to do something about it, yet they (this damn hopsital) didn't seem to think it was to worry about. We had been there in the waiting room for over 4 hours when I went back to the desk to ask how exactly a 9 month old with that high of a fever wasn't more of a priority. I was PISSED to say the least. They blew me off, told me there were still 5 more people ahead of us, and please keep in mind that every person in the waiting room at this time had all come in after us.

We left there and went to a different hospital. Fortunately there are 3 to choose from in our area. Unfortunately I thought I had chosen the best, but it didn't turn out that way. Within 30 minutes of getting to the other hospital we were back in the er and he had an iv in his arm. Within another 30 minutes they decided he needed to be admitted to pediatrics. After they gave him some motrin his fever was down to 102.5 by the time we got to his room. They tested him for the flu, rotavirus, and salmonella. All came back negative. For 2 days he drank pedialyte and nothing else. On the third day they decided to offer him some food, which he consumed ALL of and did not throw up. They decided that since he was taking in fluids and able to eat and hadn't had a fever in 24 hours to let him go home. All they were able to diagnose was a stomach virus. I am very thankful that is all it was because I was scared there really was something wrong.

Now we are home and I am the sick one! I don't know if I picked something up from someone in the hospital but I have a respiratory/sinus infection and am absolutely miserable. If it's not one thing....it's another.

I will not lie and say I have done my best, because I haven't. My food has consisted of hospital food and drive thru hubby brought me. I was not leaving my baby and certainly wasn't focused on going to the gym with him there. So this has been a piss poor week and have low expectations.

Hopefully everyone else's week has been better than mine! And, thanks to those who offered support and prayers while we were away.

Bad News

My son, after his Friday checkup, developed a fever on Saturday. He didn't get any immunizations though so we just began to treat the fever and came on home Sunday. Well, I am in the hospital. Have been here since Sunday night and not looking to be able to go home for another day or two. My little man developed a fever, that at it's peak was 104.2 degrees. He was admitted to the hospital where they've done a flu test, checked his wbc, and are now waiting the results (which takes 24 hours) to see if he contracted rotavirus or salmonella. He has an iv and is getting round the clock pain/fever meds and antibiotics. This week, I've no doubt, will not be a great one. I am here, and not leaving him, in the hospital. I will get back to everyone when we are are out and back home.

Day 4

I have discovered some muscles used in jogging that are NOT used in walking. The area just outside my hip, where my thigh and hip meet, is soooooo sore and last night while I was jogging it was burning. As well as my calves. Now this morning my both my calves and that hip area hurt. I will say this much though, working out has definitely made me sleep better. I have always been a night owl because I have trouble falling asleep. It could 2 or later before I can really go to sleep. Of course then I would sleep the day away, not getting up until 10 or 11 am. I have found it much easier to fall asleep between 10:30 and 11:30 pm lately.

I will be packing this afternoon to leave for the weekend. I have to remember to take my scale with me because we won't be back until Sunday afternoon and I certainly don't want to be late in turning in my weight! LOL My grandma's scale is about 30 years old! Seriously...no joke! And it doesn't show an accurate weight. No risking that!

Wanted to throw in here also: Someone sent out a video in our daily emails that showed how to do the side one handed pushup. It was SUCH a help! I was totally not doing it right. So thanks so much to that person! Sorry, I clearly did not pay attention as to which person it came from!

Hope everyone's day is going great. Be back after the weekend.

Day 3

Today has been a "blah" day. It was sunny most of the day and got to about 58 degrees outside but I still feel cloudy! On top of being sore (it hurts to get into the sitting position....and of course we all know that that position is visited quite frequently when drinking a ton of water) I have felt slightly dizzy and overall tired today. I am looking forward to walking tonight. I really am beginning to enjoy the walking. Not just the walking as per the plan because I began walking 3 or 4 weeks ago. I feel so much better afterwards. I can breath deeply and clearly, and even though I may be pouring sweat and hot as hell....I physically feel good. It's also a couple of hours that I get to myself while hubby watches the kid.

I am slightly concerned about this coming weekend because we are going out of town. My son has his 9 month checkup this Friday and his doctor is in the next state over. We just moved to our current location since my son was born and for the sake insurance and such we chose to keep his doctor there until he's one year old. We stay with family while there. My grandmother is who we will be with. We leave Thursday night and will be back Sunday afternoon. Wish me luck on staying strong while away and at the mercy of other people's meals! LOL!

I get the emails sent out by everyone daily and I just want say that I can't spend all day responding to emails. That's what this blog is for....the daily summary and wishing everyone else luck while reporting my feelings and such. So, sorry for not participating.

Hope everyone's day has been and continues to be great.